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Your Self-Talk Defines You

Change the way you talk to yourself and change your life. The primary difference between an insecure person and a confident person is the way they talk to themselves.

If we are confident, we focus on our positive qualities and downplay our negative qualities. We make allowances for our mistakes and don’t dwell on them.

If we are insecure, we do the exact opposite. We focus on our negative qualities and don’t acknowledge our many good qualities. We dwell on mistakes and rarely focus on the things we do well.

We all have Strengths and Weaknesses

The truth is, everyone has strengths and weakness. You are no better or worse in this regard than anyone else. When we are consumed with negative thoughts, we act impulsively, reactivity, and often irrationally. We do things you regret.

We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. We are all beautiful.

We are not the accumulation of our emotions, thoughts, and behaviours; these things can and do change. Our basic humanity and equality to others stays constant.

The Way You Talk to Yourself Determines Your Behaviour

The way we talk to ourselves is critical. Our thoughts cause our emotions, and our emotions prompt our behaviour.

Our self-talk determines our ability to handle stress, our confidence, and our outlook on life.

Until I started tuning into my own self talk, I had no idea how self-defeating it was. I can still slip into negative self-talk and must tune in and correct my thinking from time to time.

The quickest way to change your life for the better is to change your self-talk.

DBT Skill: Mindfulness of Current Thoughts

The key to mindfulness of current thoughts is to practice separating thoughts about ourselves and the world from the facts about ourselves and the world. We can do this by observing our thoughts as thoughts, and not as facts. It is helpful to actually say to yourself, “I am having the thought that . . .,” rather than stating your thought as a fact.

It is helpful to tune into your thoughts by sitting quietly and observing them as if they are clouds in the sky or leaves floating down the river. Notice the thought, recognize it as a thought, then let it float away.

“A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

To learn more about skills for a better life, or if you are interested in counselling services, please visit Validity Counselling's homepage,

Author: Jenny DeReis

Jenny is CEO and therapist at Validity Counselling in Prince George, BC. She has a Master's Degree in Counselling Psychology from the University of Calgary.

Jenny has intensive and advanced training in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) from Dr. Charlie Swansen, author of several books on DBT . She has also received DBT training from the Behavior Tech Institute, and from DBT expert Sherri Van Dijk.


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